Latyn's Lair

Teacher Note #1

2011-09-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

When you have students who are given a punishment to stay indoors when their class is outside playing, don't expect them to be productive by telling them to read or do homework. Just let them put their heads down. Otherwise, you have to deal with enforcing the expectation that you don't really care about in the moment on the third day of school and doling out consequences. They will resist because they are upset they can't be outside. If you do want them to be productive, make sure you have a reason why.

Job Search

2011-08-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today I learned that I am the worst judge of my performance.

I had a job interview a couple weeks ago and thought I bombed the whole thing. I sent a PowerPoint I had created to one of the ELA teachers at the school I interviewed with (we'd talked about it during the interview) and received an email back from her that "I was a truly inspiring and passionate educator and she couldn't wait to see how my talent grows through my career". I started to feel a little better that I'd made a good impression on at least one of the people of the five in the room. My recruiter asked me for videos of my teaching to send to them and I thought it was to lessen the blow of an abysmal interview.

Back to today - My recruiter told me the panel that interviewed me actually thought I had the best answers to their questions of all the first year teacher candidates, but wished they could have seen me teach. Hence, videos. They ended up choosing someone with more teaching experience. I wondered until a few minutes ago what difference did it make that I was good if I still didn't get the job? Especially since it was for a reason that I couldn't help?

Through dinner, I started feeling better at this. Each positive comment builds my confidence. Whichever school does accept me, I can stand in front of my students confident that I belong there and that my passion is seen and for them, hopefully contagious.

I just wish there wasn't so much waiting.

No-so-divine appointment

2011-04-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

I posted briefly on my Facebook page about a guy on the subway giving me his phone number. I had noticed him looking at me a couple of times, but I was really tired and fell asleep. He woke me up at Central Station, handing me his phone number.

"I didn't want to bother you because you were sleeping, but I'd like it if you called me some time." I groggily accepted the slip of paper.

I called Subway the next evening and we talked for almost an hour, basic get-to-know-you stuff. Rundown: 28, non-practicing Catholic, black, between jobs, aspiring graphic design student.* I happily headed off to bible study.

10:28: Text from Subway - Can you talk more?

12:26: Phone call straight to voice mail: Wish I could've gotten to talk to you again. Have a good night.

Saturday:
4:52 pm- Phone Call.
I sent him a text apologizing for not being able to get back to him the day before. I was studying, wouldn't be able to talk.
Reply: Try to call later. Please.

1:00 am - Text: Good night Miss. Sleep well.

Sunday:
3:23: Phone Call. I was at the bus stop, so I didn't pick up.

I returned his call about an hour later. With the amount he'd tried to contact me, I asked what his expectations for getting to know me were. Basically, friendship with the possibility of a relationship because he saw me and thought I was so beautiful and had some characteristics of his mom who is now deceased (!!).

To try to keep this short, since I have to get back to grading, I replied several times to this expectation that it wasn't going to happen because he wasn't a practicing Christian. It took a few minutes for this to sink in. He then asked if I would teach him. I said I would be excited to invite him to church or to my bible study if he were genuinely interested in knowing God for himself and not to get to know me. Silence. I said he could get back to me on whether he would want to be friends without the potential for anything further. I'm not really expecting to hear from him again. Being in this program has the additional plus side that I am more blunt because I don't have time to waste on fruitless conversations.

*I just realized that this combination is a mix of my exes when I met them. weeeeird.

Dating, or a treatise on being figuratively singed and putting out fires

2011-01-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this isn't actually a treatise. I just liked the way it sounded.

So in 2011, in an effort to stop feeling sorry for myself in the face of disappointed hopes, I trolled a few dating websites looking for people to meet. With the amount of work I have for my program, I thought it would be fine to look to date for fun, so the person's spiritual life didn't matter.

I'd been emailing back and forth with two of them for three weeks now. This post is just about one of them. Drake* lives in NY and was looking specifically for a black woman who is cute and sincere. By answering, I did not think I was falsely promoting myself as either. ;) After sending 2 page long emails back and forth, I liked the way he wrote and presented himself. We had a lot in common. I started thinking that maybe there could be more there. So I asked how he felt about God in my last email, and was hurt to find out that my being a Christian was a major deal-breaker. (My tenses may be mixed because our correspondence just ended an hour ago.)

I was surprised that after so short a time, my emotions had betrayed me as being already emotionally invested in this person's 'voice'. It had reminded me a little of when online dating began - You've Got Mail style - including his aol address.

I've been thinking whether the hurt was easily acquired because I was so willing for my feelings, wasted on one person, to be attributed to a more worthy focus? Not speaking specifically for this correspondent but to someone who felt they could return what I felt? With these questions I am reminded of the adage 'playing with fire'. With my eyes open, I walked into a situation I knew could be potentially harmful. I am thankful I asked how he felt before we'd made a bigger investment in getting to know one another. One fire doused.

Enough of my foolishness. It is once again time for me to return to the Lord's embrace and focus on him and guard my heart rather than leave it outside where it can be overwhelmed by a brushfire.

Growing Up with Mr. Bennet

2010-12-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

It is no secret to my friends that I love Jane Austen. Her books entertain me in an idle hour and console me in a distressed one. (Do you know which novel I just quoted?) I've spent too much time comparing my life to Austen novels, but here I go again.

Yesterday, I realized that my mom is just like Mr. Bennet, Lizzy's father in Pride and Prejudice. Lizzy cautions her father not to let her silly youngest sister go to Brighton, but her father waves her off because "there will be no peace at Longbourn if Lydia does not go to Brighton". He values his peace over everything else.

My mom is the same way with my little sister, who is 16. (Lydia is not yet 16 in the novel.) She doesn't want to deal with my sister's tantrums, so she gives her whatever she wants, without reflecting on how her actions affect my sister's choices. The incident that called Mr. Bennet to mind yesterday was my mom allowing my sister to visit her boyfriend in North Jersey for a week by herself. A boyfriend who hadn't supported her while she was pregnant with his child, most likely conceived on one of these unsupervised trips she takes.

I've tried getting my sister to be more reasonable with no success. Trying to figure out how to talk to my mom. Could use a bit of Lizzy's spirit right now.

Mini-Reflection on Teaching

2010-12-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

After four months in the classroom, I am assured of a few things I thought in the beginning.

1) I love teaching English. I love reading with the kids and discussing big ideas about literature with them.

2) I want to do whatever it takes to reach the kids that disrespect me. I know this sounds convoluted, but I want to know how they got to this point where they no longer try and I want to reverse the process somehow. Statistics say that females, white and asian students are the most successful students in BPS. I want to find the strategies that can make boys, Latino and African-American students as successful.

And...we're back!

2010-12-26T07:13:00.000-08:00

::Dusts off Blogger::

I have been scolded for being absent so long. To the five of you out there who actually read my blog, I am sorry. :)

I hope you have had a Merry Christmas and are eagerly awaiting the new year. I have a unit of lesson plans and a 12 page paper between me and the new year, so I am not quite ready yet.

This is just a brief message, but I'll be on again later to talk about how the teaching is going since it is likely that I will be snowed in.

Love!
Latyn

My Problem with Affirmative Action

2010-06-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last month, our department administrator mentioned to me that someone in HR had asked her if I'd be interested in a position at our company. Our administrator didn't bother to remember what the position was because I would be leaving, but it would have been a promotion from my current job.

Last week, due to a special e-mail list I am on, I heard about a formerly secret initiative in HR to focus on its affirmative action quotas. One of the things on the list was to promote qualified minorities in support positions. I was both surprised and dismayed. Had this unnamed person thought me right for the job because I was the most qualified internal hire or because I was qualified and black?

I do not know many black people who are against affirmative action. (I was surprised to find 10 black conservatives on Twitter that I could follow, never mind specific issues.) The strongest argument for it that I know that correlates to an argument against it that I am unsure of my feelings on is that students starting at a disadvantage need a boost vs. students elevated above their ability being ill-equipped to handle the pressure. I struggle with this argument as an aspiring teacher to urban Boston. Kids who want a chance either test to go one of three really good public schools or get bussed to the suburbs. Most of the kids I will be teaching are on average two grades behind where they should be and don't have access to perks the other schools do. As hard as they have it, I doubt that they would want to receive a hand out from anyone, but if they did take it, success will definitely be an uphill battle. As I start teaching, I'll re-visit this post and see if anything changes.

For those of you who are for AA, can you be really proud of achieving something through it rather than your merit alone? I seriously want to know. I just can't imagine boasting over the phrase 'black and qualified' on a resume or business card. To me, it appears too much like having a world record with an asterisk next to my name. Though with our nation's history, I probably wouldn't have been allowed on the playing field at all if we didn't have it.

School Achievement: Just a white thing?

2010-05-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I was often mocked by the other black kids at my school for 'acting white', which as far as I could tell meant I was in honors classes. With the exception of calculus (one other black student), I was the sole black kid. Although probably not just a black thing, peer groups continue to try to keep each other back. Misery loves company. I want to try to change this as a teacher, but at least one other school is already trying to change this around. I've already watched this video 5 times... :)

If you learned it, then you should've got an A on it

Illegal Immigration...

2010-05-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

I follow the rules. I try to hide my annoyance when I'm with people who are more relaxed about them because I think of it as my issue- it doesn't impact anyone but me. So when I think objectively about illegal immigration, I'm opposed, no question. I read the statistic today that there are 12 million undocumented immigrants in America. Does this figure seem staggering to anyone else?

The issue of immigration has been pushed forward with Arizona's new law, and today with a Boston march of illegal immigrants fighting for an act that will allow them to become citizens via military service or attending college, I admit to being torn when I think about it. Many of these people come for what we all want - the ability to live without persecution, a chance at success, or to provide for our families. They have proven that they will pursue it by any means necessary. I feel compassion for their struggle, admire their mettle, even. But where does the line get drawn in terms of what should be available to them and what should be reserved for citizenship? What level is sustainable? Who pays for it? Who should?

I know I must have friends who have thought on this more than I have, so please let me know where your thoughts have led you...

What Did You Expect?

2010-05-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

This will have to go on my reading list. Review by The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

Tripp book: Put aside unrealistic expectations

Jeff Robinson
May 5, 2010

He is tall, dark and handsome. He drives a nice car, possesses advanced degrees from leading institutions of higher education, fetches a six-figure salary. And, he boasts bloodlines that, from a purely human perspective, are impeccable. Likewise, she is from a prominent family, graduated as valedictorian at college, has a smile and overall bearing reminiscent of Lady Diane and has a winsome personality to match. They meet, they marry, they honeymoon in a tropical paradise and then they go home, both expecting to have a dream life together in their new house with its spacious lawn, its picket fence, its existence in an upper-middle class neighborhood and its conspicuous existence under perpetual blue skies.

But, Paul David Tripp argues that this new couple, Mr. and Mrs. perfect, have just entered into what might best be called round one of holy headlock. Inevitably, they will go to their separate corners. And they will come out swinging. The giddiness will fade. And the gloves will come off. Why? How did paradise so quickly evaporate like a desert mirage? In his new book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage (Crossway), Tripp tells us, and he puts a biblical finger on perhaps the single greatest factor that has troubled marriages for generations in the modern-day West: unrealistic expectations. The problem with the idyllic marriage, Tripp argues, is that it does not exist in a fallen world, one in which marriage happens when two sinners say "I do."

"It happens to everyone," Tripp writes. "It is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage becomes a struggle. Life after the honeymoon is radically different from the honeymoon that preceded it. The person you loved to play with, you are now living and working with. The person who was once your escape from responsibility has become your most significant responsibility. Spending time together was radically different from living together. Reasons for attraction now become sources of irritation. We are all confronted with the fact that in some way our marriage is not what it was meant to be."

In six chapters, Tripp offers the biblical and theological antidote to such faulty views of the human heart which have plagued every marriage since the first Adam ate the fruit. The book is arranged according to six commitments that provide the fundamental cause of most marriage woes, six commitments that are made possible by the person and work of the Second Adam. The six commitments between husband and wife include declarations that:

We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
We will commit to building a relationship of love.
We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
We will work to protect our marriage.

As with all of Tripp's biblical counsel, What Did You Expect? is rooted in and centered on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Here, you will find sound Gospel solutions to the problem of unreasonable expectations, solutions that will transform your marriage and your heart in a way that is unique to the power of the Gospel.

In defense of Stephanie Grace?

2010-05-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

I almost chucked commenting on this because in 'internet time' this is already very old news. Most of the blogs I've been reading wrote opinion pieces within a couple of days. I'm just breaking back into this so give me some time to catch up.

If you haven't heard yet, Stephanie Grace is a third year law student at Harvard who suggested in a conversation with her friends that blacks are genetically intellectually inferior to white people. Why do we know anything about it? She followed up the conversation with an e-mail further explaining her position and mentioning that she doesn't think that saying the possibility of genetic inferiority in blacks is that controversial. Harvard Law issued a statement in response regretting Stephanie's e-mail and said that "freedom of speech should be accompanied by responsibility". I believe it would be responsible for Stephanie to hold whatever opinion she desires as long as she wants to defend it. Is it hurtful? Yes, but how long can we can continue the charade that everyone believes in the same ideals?

Stephanie's freedom of speech was infringed upon in our society's desire to be seen as encompassing of all cultures. Although she is not "100%" sure of the intellectual equality of blacks and whites in her e-mail, when called on to apologize to the Harvard community, she emphatically denies her stated opinion. She shies away from the subject even though she wrote the e-mail to counter the perception that she was shying away from the same opinion at dinner.

The media attention and public apologies infer that we as a society want more than free speech. We want everyone to follow our common law of tolerance. How well would we measure up to our own standards?

Repost: Why Do All the Black Kids Sit Together in the Cafeteria? (With comments)

2010-04-30T20:13:00.001-07:00

Dana-Farber's Diversity office started a book discussion series with "Why do all the black kids sit together in the cafeteria?" Intrigued and curious as to what others would have to say, I picked up a book and attended a session. We didn't get past her definition of racism and how we felt about it. Granted, there were spin off questions by the mediator that we answered as well.
I won't go into what was discussed by others, but I left with the impression that I have unresolved emotions with the racial experiences I've had in my life. I feel racially isolated. Rejected by peers of my own race as a child, I haven't felt completely safe or at home with any group of people. A couple days later, the feeling I had about it turned into a single phrase: chocolate, chipped. I've been writing fiction since the summer, and though I just had a promising chapter for the book that's been in my head for years now, I may put it on hold again while I sort some of these feelings out in poetry. I haven't been inspired to write poetry in years and on the way home the other night was able to draft one dealing with this issue.
If you've read the book, I'd love to know what you think. Actually, if you'd like to make any comment on racism in America or maybe start a discussion, let me know. Multicultural interaction is the only way we all heal. The book discusses all races, by the way, not just black and white.

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Racism is overrated

Submitted by Chris Kuperstein (not verified) on Sat, 2008-02-16 15:36.
I haven't read the book, but I am interested to hear more. I've always appreciated your colorful thoughts, and wish that I had more time to ask more questions that summer of 2000 in Florida...If you ever need a proofreader for your book, I'm available.
Growing up in a 90% white community of Port Orchard, WA, and then being thrust into a 45-50% white community of the University of Washington was a shocker. I learned a lot from my brothers and sisters, and have been enriched mightily, and am sure I have left my impact on a few others.
For example, the other students taught me the value of living in community rather than toughing it out on my own. And that all the drawbacks were just a smokescreen that I needed to unlearn.
Sometimes I wonder. Is racism overrated? Then I look at the statistics of broken families, broken down by race, and I can't help but want to help. In specifics, I was immersed in the Korean-American community from about 1999 through 2005, and one thing I saw was that micromanagement of children is really bad. It creates children that, once on their own in the real world, don't know how to plan, don't know how to set a direction, don't know how to commit to a relationship [many aren't ready to be married until their late 20s or early 30s.]
I'm talking a matter of degrees. I've met some that were controlled, but not to a great extent, and they turn out pretty nice, like some of those whom I hired at my previous job.
~KOOP

Repost: Uncle Tom's Cabin

2010-04-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

Uncle Tom's Cabin
view edit

Book Discussion
My next journal entry was going to be about Orthodoxy, but it seems to have gotten lost in the move. So...you'll be reading my thoughts on Uncle Tom's Cabin instead. I wanted to cry on almost every page of this book. Blacks are seen as a plague or as grown up children through the book, and the author alludes to them having an inherent ability to decorate and cook. The author writing the preface compares the attitude of whites towards blacks during that time to contemporary humans thinking of whether or not animals have souls and should or shouldn't be eaten. Why are we still comparing the idea of black people having a soul to an animal having a soul? NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL. :( My main reflections on the book were on the term "Uncle Tom", blacks passing as whites, and loving by word instead of deed. I've always understood being called an Uncle Tom as a derogatory term that meant an obsequious attitude toward whites. Wikipedia agreed with me. Ironically, the only character in the book who doesn't have this attitude is Uncle Tom. The majority of the black characters demean themselves, call themselves niggers, or agree with the slave owners when they refer to the hopeless case of the slave. Uncle Tom lives his life without regard to what his slave owners wish him to be or stereotype him as. He also never attempts to align himself with the slaves opposing the master. He lives honestly, and desires to be known as an honest man who lives by the word of the God. He talks during times he is not asked so that he may share his faith with his slaveowners. He obeys his masters as long as their orders don't defy the Bible. He is killed defying the orders of his last owner to beat another slave. I've thought alot about intra-community racism. White is held as the standard for beauty, for goodness. The closer you are, the better you must be. I don't have much to say about it. I just think about it alot and it saddens me that we can't seem to appreciate that shades of brown are beautiful. Lastly, there is a character, Miss Ophelia, that represents the feelings of the north toward slavery. They don't believe in it, but don't really want to interact with black people, either. She's given a slave of her own to rear as her personal missionary project. Overhearing her slave and her neice talking, she realizes that she hasn't been successful raising the girl because the girl can sense that her owner doesn't want to be touched by her black skin. Ophelia speaks of love, but is really repulsed by the thing she tries to love. So, I'd like us to think for a minute about whether we shirk away from certain types or communities of people when we interact with them. Do you think they know? What can you do about it?

Repost: Black. White. (with comments)

2010-04-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I watched the first show of a new series on FX called Black.White., in which two families trade races and live in a house together to discuss their experiences. From what I gathered from the episode, the father of the white family is out to prove that racism no longer exists. He desires for someone to call him a nigger when he's in blackface so that he can shrug it off and I guess, take away the power the word has, in his opinion. He also seems think that some black people decide to actively look for instances in which a person's reaction can be construed as racist. As the black people have talked to white people in whiteface, they came across a guy who said that its instinctive to wipe his hand on his pants when he shakes a black person's hand, a guy saying that his neighborhood, one of the few all white ones left in America, would be the best place for them to raise their family. Growing up, my close friends were white. It hurt to understand that being friends with a black person and dating a black person were widely different in acceptance. One girl wasn't allowed to play with me. It also hurt that I wasn't black enough for the black girls in my neighborhood to hang out with. My grandmother (white) said not to hang out with niggers because she was hurt my grandfather (black) left her. Other family members told me I had to be better than the white people in my classes. Who is he, a man made black by make up for only 6 weeks, to say that this no longer exists? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11394595/

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i know...

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 2006-03-14 02:46.
I don't get this channel but wanted to watch this show as I study race and was appalled by that guy. (I saw the Oprah episode about it that showed that, among other previews.) It really bothers me when people say that racism does not exist. Because it so blatantly does. I think its a way for those who experience it to be in denial, for those whose class alleviates it, to feel like they have overcome it, and those who experience white privilege daily, to deny that they d o.
--Tina

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Interesting

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 2006-03-24 02:56.
Very thought-provoking, I've read a few articles on this and am not sure what to think, having not seen the show myself...from what I hear it seems like they picked these families carefully to ensure the greatest amount of strife/contrast between their attitudes (correct me if I'm wrong), which at least makes a kind of sense, if not the right kind.
On the other hand, something interesting that happened in my class of 9th/10th graders a couple of weeks back illustrates a possible point as to why people might think that people of color seek out racial instances... In my class of 9th/10th graders, 6 of them black and 2 Hispanic, they all talk about the race card and are *very* quick to racialize almost everything we (my co-teacher and I) have to say. It does sometimes feel like they're reaching to play "the race card" and somehow generate argument to get them out of doing work, or something like that. Having been discriminated against myself, I try not to look at things like that, so it was strange to come up against a group that seemed to be actively seeking out racial discrimination in order to cause a scene--though of course, that's way different from racial discrimination in "real world" society.
Just made me think, is all. :-) I like this new setup you've got going on, girl!
XOXOXO -Your Over-Caffeinated Crazy Author Friend

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Re: Interesting

Submitted by Latasha Boyd on Fri, 2006-03-24 08:04.
It is true for some people. I don't remember his name, but there was a journalist a couple years ago that pissed me off. He got caught making up a story or not checking his facts and when he got caught, he blamed society for making it so hard for black people to get, keep, or achieve anything for not taking the time to do it right. Now he makes it harder for someone else.
I just hate that the nature of stereotype is for people to believe that all people of color may be like that. Sigh. Circular arguments, the world goes round. What happened to judging people on the content of their character and not the color of their skin? Would Dr. King approve anymore of today than he did the world he fought in?

Announcement

2010-04-22T20:01:00.001-07:00

I don't know anyone who reads my blog who isn't a Facebook or Google chat friend, but just in case there are such beings, I got into the teaching program I described a few posts ago. Hip, hip, hooray!

Doing Things Right Part II/Armored Knights

2010-04-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

I finished "Doing Things Right..." today. Yes, I know. I read quickly. Anyway, the second half of the book is split into the complementary relationships between men and women. One section is "He Protects, She Welcomes Protection", as an example. I hold the complementary view, so I didn't have any issues with the section, other than noting my sinful behavior patterns. The format reminded me of the Knight in Shining Armor fantasy that I rail against because I believe it sets young women up to think that marriage will magically always be happy and not be prepared for the work it takes (so I hear) to keep a marriage going. Reading Ensor, I think I have a better understanding of how to extend the metaphor to include the duties of the knight and maiden past the wedding ceremony. It's a beautiful picture of a man and woman mirroring God's kingdom by submitting first to him and secondly to one another. Another example Ensor used was Olympic pairs figure skating.

"He leads her onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling, and catching. She complements his strength with her own-a more diminutive and more attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed, and balance...He takes responsibility for the two of them, and she trusts his leadership and delights in it."

So, I had to think harder about what it is I'm railing against; the impetus of all the reading and questioning. What am I covering up with this search for truth and meaning? What do I fear here?

A thought comes: I don't believe this is my happy ending. My eyes well with tears and I feel my chest constrict. Ouch. I think we have a winner. (I haven't missed the fact that I've changed tenses. I am live-blogging what I'm currently feeling and thinking).

In the deeper recesses of my heart, I still believe that I am too unworthy to be pursued. I've been seeing a counselor about 6 months now and she promises me every session that once I am all fixed up that God has a man waiting for me somewhere. I smirk because I hear a whisper that says, 'but what if he doesn't?' and want to hide behind the cynical half-smile for protection. I've felt abandoned a lot growing up and I'm afraid to touch things that could actually work out in case they turn out to be made of ash and float away in the wind. Or to go back to the princess metaphor, I'm in my castle tower and I see a knight and rush to the window to find him checking the address on a scroll and realizing he's in the wrong place. This happens a few times. So I learn to stay away from the window and the knight who has come to the right castle thinks there's no one home. Sorry, I tend to take metaphors a little too far.

Do any of the marrieds have thoughts on this issue?

Abracadabra... Or Not

2010-04-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

This week I learned that sharing my feelings is not a magical antidote to being relieved of them. I don't know where I picked up that lie, but it's been proven false and I have to document it so the next time it crops up, I can come back and say, "Ha! You can't get me that way, again!" or something.

The lesson came from being at a friend/crush crossroad. I had the brilliant idea to initiate the 'define the relationship' conversation so if there wasn't any returned feeling, I could enter my Master's program this summer without the anxiety of wondering if there was anything there. I told myself that I could protect myself from being hurt more later. I was trying to justify my decision against a number of voices inside me screaming to wait. A wiser friend than me told me to do what felt right, so I felt I had support in speaking up. In doing so, I traded the hope of my heart for a lie.

I started reading "Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart" tonight and there is a chapter on Initiating. Ensor writes, "Sisters, all the advice from Vogue, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan that talks about going after and getting your man, all the blather about how in this day and age it is just as acceptable for you to initiate as for him, is just that-blather. The proof is that it feels wrong. Be confident and trust your feelings on this matter. Be confident that if he is the man you hope and wish him to be, he will play the man. You crackle the leaves a bit when he is in the area and let him know you are there. Then wait for him to initiate, or not. In the long run, you will be well served either way."

I was thinking about what he meant by the last part, being 'well served either way'. I think he means that if the man doesn't initiate, that he isn't the man I hope and wish him to be and/or I wouldn't be left with this residual feeling that what I did was wrong. If he had responded favorably, I would have robbed myself of my desire to be pursued into relationship, like Christ loves and pursues the church, the model for our relationships here. I also robbed my friend of the practice of headship, since he had been planning to talk to me, anyway.

Sharing didn't really change anything long-term, either. I had hoped for reciprocation but didn't really believe it was there, and it wasn't. I felt relieved of anxiety and was happier for a little while, but now it's just changed forms.

Lord, help me to do what I know needs to be done. I need to focus on you.

Edit: I just realized I wrote about the waiting issue a little in a blog post a year ago. Have I learned nothing? Sigh.

The Boston Teacher Residency (BTR) Selection Day Debrief

2010-03-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hola, friends!

I am hoping to lessen the number of times I'll have to answer the question, "So, how'd it go?" by writing this blog post. :) Not that I don't want to share, but my mouth still hurts a little from having to talk all day. Definitely something I'll have to work on...

We were divided into groups based on the subject we were applying for, so I got to meet some great future English teachers. There were 8 'pods' altogether, so I'm not sure if we were competing against each other or not or if there was another English pod out there. Most of them appeared to be extroverts, so I was able to feed off of their exuberance (I sound like a parasite) and force myself into my alternate Myers-Briggs ESTJ personality.* Our day was split into several activities: Classroom Observation, Group Problem-Solving, Interviews, Mini-Lesson and Written Response.

Classroom Observation - We observed a 7th grade science class reviewing the human digestive system by playing reverse Jeopardy. So the blocks had questions instead of answers and the students had to create complete sentences for their answer. The teacher had chosen to do it that way because the last time they played Jeopardy, she noticed that there was difficulty forming questions. I wanted to ask if that discrepancy would be addressed in the future.

Group Problem-solving - We were handed a scenario about a 7th grade student who was bright (very good standardized test scores) but was failing because he wasn't doing his homework or classwork and was having problems at home. We had to decide on a 3 step follow up plan. Now, since I mentioned that I was in a group primarily of extroverts and that competition feeling we had, I didn't talk as much as the others. I could never anticipate when someone was about to end their comment so that I could begin my own. I've felt this in other situations, as well, and am just starting to realize in typing this that perhaps the skill is not so much understanding the flow of conversation as only listening enough to gauge when it's their turn. I owe a debt of gratitude to Stephen Yang for asking for the opinions of the quieter ones in our group. Anyway, though I didn't say very much, I made sure that we weren't presuming too much about the student's condition - some had proposed that the work wasn't challenging enough for him and were advocating steps based on that. I proposed that he could be bringing his problems from home into the classroom and it was preventing his ability to focus and that we needed to determine which one it was. It became part of our action plan, step one was to assess/evaluate.

The second part of the Problem-solving was at the end of the year, would we recommend sending the student to 8th grade even though his grade wasn't high enough. I mentioned having a conference with the student to talk about the reality of the situation - that he may have to repeat the grade - and get his input. I also asked to summarize what we were advocating, that it sounded like we would want him to repeat the grade. The group chose an option that wasn't on the paper - a conditional promotion based on his subsequent performance after our meeting.

I forgot to mention that we had a group of 6 people sitting around us rating everything we were saying.

Interviews - We had two 20 minute interviews with two of the BTR staff in the group of people who were following us and rating us. The first interview had a lot of questions about me and why I wanted to be a part of BTR. I had reviewed the essays I'd written for my application, so I was ready with concrete examples and think this part went really well. The second interview was focused on hypothetical situations I could face at a school and how I would handle them, what kind of mentor I'd be interested in, why I think I am good for BTR...the ESTJ suit helped majorly with this section. I had to answer quickly with little reflection. As I repeated the part of the question to start the sentence I was using to answer it, I was able to keep my face calm rather than showing the freaked out inner me that was thinking, "Shoot! I hadn't even considered that!"

Mini-Lesson - We also had to give a 7th grade class a 5 minute lesson. The night I received the email telling me I'd been chosen for the finalist round and had to give a lesson, an idea popped into my head, and you may believe otherwise, but I completely believe it was from God. It was a fully formed plan to teach them Japanese vocabulary referring to parts of the body by using movement. All I had to do was practice pacing it. Back to yesterday. I ended up being the last person to go, which I didn't mind at all, since my introduction involved me asking if they were tired or if they'd had a long school day sitting down. We did four body parts - head, stomach (or tummy as one student guessed), arm, and hand. After I said the word, they repeated it and we did a movement to along with it to learn the parts in sequence. The last minute, we played "Sensei Says" instead of "Simon Says" to review the parts out of the order I had taught them in to see if they had learned them. The kids were really excited and were great at guessing what each word might mean before I told them the definition. They also guessed what some of the movements would be before I showed them. It was a lot of fun, and I was able to show the person from the second interview what I meant by incorporating multiple learning styles and physical activity into the classroom. I think this was the area where I shined without question. ^_^

Writing Response - Don't have much to add here. We had 40 minutes to write an essay based on the classroom observation we had earlier in the day. I think I did okay, but timed writing is not a strength I have. I think it will 'pass', but it wasn't extraordinary.

I'll find out if I made it on April 9th by 7 pm via e-mail. No matter what happens, I believe I did the best I could and am really proud of myself for not being too afraid to pursue this program. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and support through my application process. I could not have done it without you.

*The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked. http://www.typelogic.com/infp.html (This isn't the best description of the 'suit', just the only one I could find online.)

Up again

2010-03-13T17:00:00.001-08:00

I had a doctor's appointment last week and heard confirmed what I already knew; I re-gained all the weight I lost last year and then some. I could come up with a ton of excuses, but none of them are adequate. I have a love/hate relationship with food that is bad for me. It's reward, it's comfort, it's easier than planning shopping trips and cooking days. I need a new plan if I'm going to make this a lifestyle change instead of a temporary fix.

iLead.

2010-02-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

Apple may have copyrighted that already, but I'll take my chances. So I've lead a meeting and a bible study in the last two days and both turned out very well. The meeting was productive and my cheesy bible study idea of printing the verses on poster board and having everyone draw over it to pick out meaning and questions was well received. I have to tweak my speaking style so I transition better between different modes, like summarizing discussion and moving into a reading from the book (get flustered because I lost the spot and have to recover)

With each step, I'm becoming more confident. I see all these speaking opportunities as ways God has prepared for me to become comfortable in front of an audience on my way to becoming a teacher.

Just wanted to give a quick update of how that was going. :)

What? Me Lead?

2010-02-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

Generally, I like to lead by example. I serve, I want you to serve, I encourage you to serve and get involved. Everything is awesome.

Recently, I took up an actual leadership position for a committee and felt like I floundered. Other people had to step in and re-articulate what I was trying to say. I think I even had a 'help me' type of look on my face.

Today, I went to a work seminar on leading meetings effectively. I was engaged for most of it, but in the sections when he was demonstrating people going off on tangents, I analyzed my behavior leading the committee.

The main thing I came away with:
I was depriving myself of an authoritative position. My natural inclination is to defer to others, so I encourage everyone to voice their opinion and I value their opinions higher than my own. I have to be confident in my ability to make decisions as the leader. I need to use the leadership training I've received in Crusade to facilitate discussion and host productive, engaging meetings and presentations.

I have people who believe in my ability to lead this team. I volunteered for this position because I'm excited about the project and I need to express that. A lot of my still wants to hide in the shadows, but I don't have that anonymity anymore. People will be looking at me as a model and I have to be aware of that. I'm also getting more high profile assignments at work that will require me to speak or lead parts of meetings and I have to practice being comfortable with this new me.

I have a meeting tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Dear Fortune Cookie

2010-01-31T14:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Fortune Cookie,

Thanks a lot for leading me to believe I was in for a fun, adventure-filled afternoon that would shake the world. You want to know what actually happened? I left my phone at the library. Yep, my iPhone, my baby, is gone, most likely forever since I didn't have one of those "Find my iPhone" programs on it. I had a miserable commute of shame on the way to another study location thinking of all the things I wasn't able to do including listen to music, checking in on foursquare and finishing my game of Settlers.

I still have much to be thankful for, so this is more self-anger for ignoring the paranoid voice to double-check my stuff and resignation that I won't have a phone until I can have the funds and time to get a new one.

Sigh. Back to my application.

Never Give Up, Yolanda Adams

2010-01-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

Visions that can change the world trapped inside an ordinary girl
She looks just like me too afraid to dream out loud
And though it’s simple your idea, it won’t make sense to everybody
You need courage now If you're gonna persevere

To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you're called
So don't be afraid to face the world against all odds

CHORUS
Keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you
Don't give up

Every victory comes in time, work today to change tomorrow
It gets easier, who’s to say that you can’t fly
Every step you take you get, closer to your destination
You can feel it now, don’t you know you're almost there?

To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you're called
So don't be afraid to face the world against all odds

CHORUS
Keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you

Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way
But you're gotta keep the faith, bring what's deep inside your heart
to the light
And never give up Don't ever give up on you

BRIDGE:
Who holds the pieces to complete the puzzle?
The answer that can solve a mystery
The key that can unlock your understanding
It's all inside of you, you have everything you need yeahhhh

Sooooo, keep the dream alive don't let it die
If something deep inside, keeps inspiring you to try don't stop
And never give up, don't ever give up on you

Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way
But you're gotta keep the faith, bring what's deep inside your heart yeah your
heart to the light
And never give up Don't ever give up on you

Nooo don’t give up,
No, no, no, no don’t give up
Oh, no, no, no, no don't...give...up

It's Your Life...Are you who you want to be?

2010-01-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, I stole that from Switchfoot.

Someone pointed me in the direction of an article on teaching today. Teach for America did a study on what they believe defines effective teachers and the top answer was a perseverance or grit factor. The someone then asked me if I finish things, since we were talking about my becoming a teacher. I answered, "Things I'm passionate about", but that hasn't always been the case. Hence the 'Are you who you want to be?' Because I'm not. This year I want to be known as She Who Finishes.

I realized that posts don't have to be epic or end in a thoughtful or pithy manner. I'm going to try it out. Some posts may just be something I've finished that day.

A few I can think of that I want to cross off:
My Emily story

Kimono shirt

Ceyenne's elephant

Teaching program application

Instruction Manual for my job

Webcam and Teleconferencing Overview for our dept

Fixing the book for Amy's family member

YA Guide

You've been an encouraging audience in the past, so if you're up for it, it would be great to hear from you again :)

Book Review: Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters by Timothy Keller

2009-11-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

Before I get started, I wanted to issue a disclaimer. Some of you may scoff at my opinion of this book because I am a member of the PCA and may think we all like to stick together. There's a hint right there that this is a positive review. But I survived the "TK" movement of my friends after I graduated, actually resisted reading anything by him because of his popularity among my circle. I don't have a shelf devoted to his work at home and I only bought this one as an audiobook because I was trying to use up my Audible credits.

I mention all that to let you know that I was unprepared for what awaited me in reading this. I expected solid, Biblical truth about idolatry because I know Reverend Keller's reputation as a pastor. I received that as well as a heart-altering experience.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tim Keller, he is the founder and pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City and has devoted his life to ministering to the city. You can learn more about the church here: www.redeemer.com

The counterfeit gods that Keller refers to in this book are mostly positive traits that we twist into idols - they become our god. A few that he discusses are Money, Sex, Power (obviously all mentioned in the subtitle), Children, and Achievement. Juxtaposing scriptural accounts with those of people he has counseled or known, Keller artfully depicts the desire of the human heart to strive for created things rather than God. He challenges the reader to see him or herself in the stories and confront the ways in which they displace God in their own lives.

If you have not thought about the issue much, don't worry. The last chapter is pretty much dedicated to questions you can ask yourself to find out what or who you value too highly. You cannot put this book down without feeling stripped raw of any notions of goodness you have of yourself. But that isn't the end of it. Once you realize the depth of your selfishness, there is instruction in receiving the love of God that accomplishes the good we seek for ourselves in our idols.

I hope I haven't frightened anyone away by this description. I feel lighter and renewed through processing what I've learned from this book because I've been able to figure out things that have grieved me over the last few years. I hope you have the same experience.

I needed a laugh...

2009-09-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

...and then I saw these books when I was looking up reads for the relationship book I'm working on.

I thought this one was funny because my book is about how shining armor isn't required.
http://bit.ly/L9DVL

This one was hilarious. Especially as it's Christian and doesn't account for what happens when God decides the last thing you need is a mate in 90 days. But that's just based on the summary.
http://bit.ly/1cy1qI

Strengthsfinder

2009-09-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, my public. I apologize for being absent so long. It's not that I haven't looked at enough things the last few months and go, "I should blog about that", but that I get refocused on something else a few minutes later or I didn't think I had enough of a comment to fill a post. Like, when the new Metro newspaper debuted last week(?). It has a My Lifestyle section and the first article (I assume, since I skipped the page) taught the readers how to have a good one night stand. Let's give a slow, sarcastic clap for the Metro. It's not even like they need smut to sell papers. It's a free daily. Are they worried about losing part of their readership? Anyway, enough of that.

The purpose of this post was my StrengthsFinder work personality assessment. I had heard a lot about the test and it wasn't very expensive, so I decided to go ahead and do it as I was thinking about my potential role in the Citylife Church diaconate. (Which I will be appointed to October 18, by the way, was officially voted on last Sunday)

My top 5 themes are:
Adaptability - I live in the moment and see the future as a place created out of the choices I make now. I may have plans, but I put others' plans and needs above my own. Avoid structured workplaces, basically will drive me crazy and stifle my creativity.
>>Do I need any other encouragement to leave the office arena?

Empathy - I can sense the emotions of those around me as if they were my own.

Belief - I have enduring core values, work must be meaningful to me, must help further those values.

Input - I gather and collect anything and everything that interests me, perhaps one day I'll find it valuable. Must point out that it mentions reading a great deal.

Developer - I see the potential in people and want to help them succeed. The success of others is what satisfies me, brings me strength.

One of my English teachers (Mrs. Siegfried, for those in BRHS AP English) told me that I epitomized the statement, "To thine own self be true"; I could assess my strengths and weaknesses accurately and did not apologize for them. They simply were.

You may be wondering why I feel the need to take tests like these if I already know what I'm good at. Therein lies the rub. I know myself, but I don't trust or believe in myself because of whispers I've heard. They weren't all whispers, and whether you were a whisper or not, I don't blame you anymore.

All that to say, I was not really surprised by the results. If you know me, I doubt you are, either. The thing I thought was the most interesting was that Developer and Empathy specifically mention that because of these strength areas people will be drawn to me. People? Drawn to me? My gut reaction to this statement is to run and hide. Which shows me one of the areas where I need to grow. The test also has 10 ways to hone your strengths and an action plan over a period of time. Maybe I'll post about a few of those later. It's getting late.

One last note. As I've been writing this, I took down a book Mrs. Siegfried had given me - an anthology of Zora Neale Hurston that I've kept but haven't opened for 10 years. The spine is cracked, the book well-loved, and something I hadn't noticed before - she bookmarked two sections for me. My love of poetry reminded her of Zora, I hope I grow into her confidence as well.

Not London

2009-07-18T14:05:00.001-07:00

I know I said my next post would be about London, but..it's not. I was losing sleep thinking my friend Alice in Wonderland would kick me off her blog roll if I didn't write something soon. This is just an update. But a big update you could say. After feeling lost for the last 2 years, I've decided to get my Masters in Education and be an inner city middle school English teacher. I had an epiphany Friday morning after reading about President Obama's speech about personal responsibility for the black community at the NAACP dinner. My introverted brain started flashing all these images:
*My sister's focus on being a party girl for awhile.
*Reading papers full of colloquial english and being discouraged
*My passion for the written word and desire to share it with others
*Experience learning to connect with other black people through Impact
*Anger when a school made Ebonics acceptable for English papers
*My crippling fear of doing anything
*Volunteering at a teen parenting shelter in Roxbury.

And it clicked. I want to share literature with inner city youth and inspire them to aim higher. So, I'm once again looking up when I need to take the GRE and application deadlines and whatnot.

I also used the momentum of the epiphany to start another project that has been ruminating in my mind for awhile. I learned from living with the Ogburns that there are families out there that protect their children from the negative influences of the world. I had known a couple other families that did that as well, but living with Corri and Bret, I got to see it firsthand. In my family, we kind of just watched and read whatever we wanted. Anyway, sometimes Christiner would leave a book she picked up from the library lying around and I would pick it up and read it (usually takes me about 1.5-2 hours). When I finished, if there was something in the book that Christine hadn't talked about with her mom yet in terms of coming of age, I would let Corri know. I joked that it was a service I could offer to other parents and now I finally am with The Young Adult Fiction Guide for Parents. Wonder how I came up with that name..so not intuitive.. ;)

*Please don't get the idea that I am into censorship or living in a rose-colored world. I LOVE books and reading as mentioned before and want to encourage kids to pick up different types of books. I just want them and their parents to be educated readers, not picking up a nice looking book and finding out it's actually all about sexual abuse or something. I hope to have an open dialogue with my own teens (God-willing) some day, when our family's ready for these issues, not when someone outside our family makes that decision for us.

If you want to check it out, it's at yaguide.blogspot.com.

My Head is an Unsafe Neighborhood

2009-06-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have several recurring dreams where my family members and I are in mortal peril, but they die and I am helpless to save them. My brother gets executed by the mob, my cousin suffocates in a condemned building that fills with green jello. Some of these dreams are more lifelike than others. Tonight, I dreamed that I was in mortal peril with two other family members. I was given the choice of saving one. This scenario ran through my head twice with the thought, "blood is thicker than water" whispering through it on a loop. Neither scenario satisfied me, because I could not live with either family member's blood on my hands. So I offered myself instead and died, praying "Jesus, I trust you." I dream about my own death more than anyone else's. I've never really had that feeling of immortality that youth is supposed to have; I have visualized myself dying in very ridiculous ways. I don't know why I'm sharing this. I think I'm just glad that at least in my subconscious that I do believe that perfect love casts out fear. I don't know what choice I'll make in that kind of situation unless it happens, God forbid, but I continue to pray that I will do his will to the end. I also think I may need to lay off the Coca-cola at night and the action movies...at least for a little while.

My next post will be about London which is a much happier topic.

A Heavy Heart

2009-05-16T19:34:00.001-07:00

Part I.
I have had cryptic messages on my google and facebook status this week and I'm going to let you know what's going on. A coworker of mine died suddenly this past Wednesday evening. He experienced some chest pain walking home from work and called 911. He made it to the hospital, but died while there. He was only 45. We talked 1-2 times per month about computer access for new employees and had only hung out twice outside of work. By no one's definition would we be considered close. I'm overly sensitive to others' pain (cry along with you type of person rather than dole out socially accepted hopeful phrases, this also goes for stories on tv as well as people I know) and keep thinking about our last conversation. I mentioned that I would be out of town during the next orientation week and he told me how he wanted to go back to Europe, and follow that trip with one to Japan since he's always wanted to go there, and China after that. Two days later, he's gone, and he won't get to do any of those things.
He wrote me a haiku about how I am a person of few words last year. I didn't have the heart to tell him the syllables were off because it was sweet. He was one of the nicest people I'd met (as long as you didn't prank steal his clock) and I wish I had gotten to know him better.

As I've talked to other people, naturally the conversation turns to our own hopes, realization that time is too precious to spend in an office until late at night, there is no perfect calm time to go out to dinner with friends. You have to make the decision to just do it. I've been thinking about my relationships and do want to make sure people know how valuable they are to me.

Part II.
This is trivial in comparison, but also occupying my mind right now since I'm reading about it. A friend sent me "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?", a book for single Christian women who wonder if they'll get married - have passed some internal deadline they set for when they would want to be married. I think one of the reasons I spend so much time serving is because I'm available. Not grudgingly at all. I have already started a path on being content without stressing about when I'll get married. I have altered the question to can I trust and believe in God and serve if this desire is not met? I want to be able to say Yes to this question wholeheartedly and reject the societal view that I would be less worthy if I remain single. I'm only half-way through the book (which is written by a 40-something single) but have been impacted and convicted already in a few areas.

-Both singleness and marriage are gifts. Singleness is not a burden to be put up with until we 'ascend' to marriage or are gifted with it. "Ultimately we are single because that's God's will for us right now. It's not because we are too old, too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too quiet, too loud, too smart, too demanding, or too anything else. It's not because we're of one race when many of the men around us are of another. It's not because the men we know lean toward passive temperaments...Though perhaps these things seem like valid reasons, they don't trump God's will."

-Complaining to God vs. complaining about God. God wants me to lay my burdens at his feet. If I am unhappy, I can confess that to him. I shouldn't complain to others as if God is holding out on me or hiding my future spouse somewhere.
On the flipside of that, i.e. if I'm praying for a godly spouse or complaining about not having one, have I also been praying to be godly? To be a woman who knows God's heart and seeks that above all else?

-Dating in our Minds. Reading this section hurt. I do this all the time. How do you know whether you are in this club?
Ask these questions:
Do I talk about him a lot to other people?
Am I going to an event or meeting primarily because he'll be there?
Am I distracted in church or small group because of his presence?
If he doesn't talk to me or single me out at events, do I go home disappointed?
Am I jealous of the women he does talk to or serve?
There are a few more, but you get the idea. If you answer yes to these questions, you are living in a fantasy relationship. You have this relationship as an expectation before God. As the desire grows, it becomes a demand and God's will becomes an obstacle to who you've decided you 'must have'- your idol.
The focus should be on treating all my brothers in Christ the same way. If he is interested, he'll say something.
*Some might object to the idea that the woman waits for the man speak up as if it's a backward concept. Examine your heart yourself on this issue. God pursued me into a relationship with him, and that's the model of relationship I want if I get married- a man that loves me as God loves the church.

This was a pretty long post. It's late and I need to get to bed.

Copacetic

2009-05-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Copacetic was the first word I thought of when I looked at the word title. You'll probably be interested to know that this update is brought to you by Mountain Dew Throwback. Don't think I would still be up otherwise. Don't tell my stepmother. (That means you, Lamar).

So..let's start with some random happenings from the week. Sadly, images aren't working so you'll just have to use your imagination.

*St. Michael's, Vermont bumper sticker sighting. "What up, JBach?" Latasha asked the bumper sticker.

*Saw opening of Tory Row, new bar in Harvard Square. Looks cool, want to check it out, even though I probably won't be drinking more than Coke.

*Girl, painted bronze, standing like a statue in Harvard Square. "Is it that time of year again already?" Latasha thought. Donated 50 cents and watched her mechanically blow a kiss at me.

*Guys, painted green, on their way to a Celtics play off game. "Way to have team spirit." Latasha thought.

*Urban Decay, I cannot endorse a product called 'Sin'. I'm buying my lipstick somewhere else.

*Only 6 more inches to go on my kimono sleeve. Maybe I can finish it in time for summer!

I think that's it for the randomness.

I've been working extra hours on a project at work and haven't been going to the gym recently. I was away for a week and a half, then did two days in a row, today, and I have a personal training session tomorrow. That first day back was like starting all over again. I disappointed myself and I could tell my trainer was a bit frustrated. :( The following day we worked out again and it went MUCH better. Today was also pretty good. I ran a 5k on the treadmill and did 15 minutes of abs exercises, including a 20 sec. plank followed by 5 push up combination, which I can't say I love, but I do love what it is doing to my obliques.

I can't believe I'm going to London two Wednesdays from now. *Glee*

Have more to write, but eyes have stopped participating and I took a little nap for a couple minutes. See you soon.

Latasha's review of Entertainment Weekly's summer movie preview

2009-04-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

The summer movie preview is my favorite issue of Entertainment Weekly. Movies are an escape for me, so the summer fun is more in tune with my taste than the more dramatic fall season that is all about Oscar.

I'd like to share my highlights - let me know if you want to see any of these movies with me - a summary - lots of action, some animation, some Asian fetish...for a complete list, visit ew.com.

MAY-
May 1: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine is one of my second-tier superheroes. Gotta love that chip on his shoulder and the adamantium in his veins. My all-time favorite X-men hero? GAMBIT who is also in this movie. Don't know how they are going to integrate their origin stories but I'm excited to see it. Will probably go to the 4:30ish showing at Fenway the day it comes out. Yes, I'm totally geeking out and proud of it.

Also looking forward to Liev Screiber as Sabretooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, though that's not an X-man character I'm familiar with.

May 29: Departures
Japanese film that won "Best Foreign Film"...They had me at Japanese film. I'll be out of town when this releases, so will have to see it when I come back. :(
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1069238/plotsummary

JUNE-

June 12: The Taking of of Pelham 123
Denzel Washington and John Travolta together for the first time. John Travolta plays a man at the end of his rope seeking revenge on New York City by taking a subway train hostage. Washington plays the MTA worker who tries to resolve the situation. Washington's character may be a little too much like the one he played in Inside Man. I'll have to watch the trailer.

June 24: Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen
Jury is still out on this one. Might be a renter. Depends on what I'm doing that weekend.

JULY-
July 1: Public Enemies
Public Enemies - Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and bank robberies. This movie has my name written all over it.
Probably see first weekend it's out.

July 15: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Is anyone still excited to see this movie? Inquiring minds want to know.

July 24: G-Force
Stands for Guinea Pig force. They are described as "James Bond guinea pigs, an elite team of guinea pigs trained to be spies for the US government." It looks cute and it's produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. I'm sure I could get Tiffany and Jeff to see this one.

AUGUST
August 7: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Laugh if you want at this one, but who didn't love GI Joe: the Movie growing up? I'm a follower of Joseph Gordon-Levitt (though not planning to see his rom-com this summer) since 10 Things I Hate About You. He was AMAZING in The Lookout and I want to see how he portrays Cobra Commander. Though a little worried that Channing Tatum is playing the lead.

August 14: Ponyo
Miyazaki's newest film is about a fish, "Ponyo", who yearns to be a human girl. Sadly, many famous people and famous people siblings voice the characters (the thing I didn't like about Princess Mononoke was that without checking the credits, I knew the factory leader was Minnie Driver.) in order to get more people out to see Miyazaki's film. The mission I agree with. The method, not so much.

Tasha, at a theater in Boston, all summer.

Very Short Update

2009-04-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. I have had a lot going on..

-Diaconate training
-Therapy
-Bible study
-Mercy Team
-Writing Club
-Knitting
-Volunteer work
-Prep for London missions trip
and, working out of course. The last couple weeks I've forgotten to think about whether I was still challenging myself when I'm not with the trainer. Being more intentional again starting yesterday - I made it to the kickboxing class I like. Today I did 7 laps in the pool. Have a trainer-led workout tomorrow.

Diet-wise...I had to put a note on my wallet that says, 'will this help me reach my goals'? so that I think twice about eating out. I justified going back to eating out by what another person on a diet said ... they eat what they want and make up for it in their workout. I started eating whatever without making changes in other meals or working out more to burn it off. I've started counting calories again to make sure I'm in my 1200-1550 range.

And I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. Night.

Lady in Red - Six weeks later

2009-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

I wore one of my favorite dresses last week and the fit was noticeably different to me. Here's what it looked like last summer:

And..earlier tonight:

Can YOU see the difference? :) :) :)

I started working with a personal trainer last week, I think I mentioned that. Our first workout together was a mini boot camp for me:
-girl push ups on half an exercise ball
-high knees on a step
-chest press
-hop through a ladder/jog to beginning
-side squats/side shuffle back
-minute on treadmill

I thought, hey piece of cake. This is nice, fun even.

Second workout:
-20 minutes of intervals on treadmill- varying speeds 4.5-7, varying incline up to 5

Aw man, I forgot the strength training exercises we did. Sorry about that. It stopped being fun and started being hard work, though. I felt like throwing up. In a good way. If that's possible.

Third workout (today):
-20 minute treadmill interval
-bench press
-skull crushers
-squats, squats w/ military press
- sit ups
-lower ab exercise consisting of holding legs in the air at various heights

Her advice so far has been focused on correct form rather than amount of weight. Anything not done correctly doesn't count; I have to do it over, even though my muscles are yelling at me. I do feel really good about the workout about 5 minutes after it's over. I'm a little worried about how I'll feel on Wednesday, because that's the hard day.

End of Week 5

2009-03-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've been busy, but that's not really an excuse. I have been staying away so I wouldn't have to document the fact that my eating habits have been up and down this past week and a half. I've been spending a lot of money eating out and thrice just ordered what I wanted - quarter pounder with cheese, bagel with sausage and cheese, culminating in the double bacon cheeseburger meal at Wendy's. I've started following a blog 344pounds.com, as more motivation to keep up eating more healthfully and sticking to my plan. I have still been in a diet mentality, rather than this is a new lifestyle of eating and focusing on what I can't eat instead of the abundance of things I could. Moderation and/or longer workouts to make sure I'm burning more than I'm taking in.

Physically, I was starting to want more of a challenge, and I was approached by a trainer at one of the gyms I go to (she showed me a better way to do the xpress line of machines and did a physical assessment with me) and we were fast friends. She's also a black young Christian woman, so we've shared some common experiences and had a lot of fun. I'd seen her around the gym before and even commented to my roommate that I'd love to have her abs. I signed up to do 10 sessions with her over the next 5 weeks. I'm pretty excited about stepping up my workout, and it might even include some work in the pool! :)

I was weighed during the assessment and again at a doctor's appointment on Friday and weighed in at 190 and 188, respectively. So I've lost a total of 10-12 lbs. so far. About 40 to go to reach my weight goal.

Pwned

2009-03-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

On the top of today's news, I was almost bitten, pushed and kicked by a bunch of three year olds in rare form. I'll call the volunteering today workout session #1, because I was plenty sweaty and tired from chasing around a group of toddlers. The staff offered me pizza, so I gladly had some along with two dixie cups of pepsi. There goes the free meal of the week.

Measured myself when I got home; I've lost 2 inches off my waist. Sweet.

Week 4, Days 1/2

2009-03-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

Monday, Day 22

Weigh in : 191.5 (-3.5 from last week)

Tuesday, Day 23

Had to eat dinner out because I raced out of the office without the one I'd prepared. :( I ordered scallion pancakes, but these people bring me DUMPLINGS! Sniffle. Craving still unfulfilled. Also had to substitute treadmill for kickboxing because I'd gotten to the gym late. Subway had delays almost all the way there.

Another half week at a time

2009-02-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, Day 17

These have got to go back to daily because I don't remember much about Wednesday.

Thursday, Day 18

Workout - Day off. I didn't intend for this to be off, but I went to the bookstore and talked myself out of leaving in time to work out. :(

I also had two dinners. I had dinner by myself and then met up with some friends to hang out over their dinner, and of course, ate more because it was in front of me.

Not very proud of this day.

Friday, Day 19

Up to snuff.

Saturday, Day 20

Did my first interval workout on the treadmill today. Discovered that the Watertown BSC's peanut butter smoothie totally kicks the Boloco smoothie's butt.

I was feeling hungry today and someone obvious'ed to me that I probably wasn't eating enough. I need to make sure that I'm eating the right food and the right amount of food. Otherwise, it'll be harder to resist the fast food cravings.

Sunday, Day 21, End of Week 3

Up to snuff.

Work out day off.

I keep expecting this to get easier. One thing I hadn't thought of very much is that I have been misallocating the amount I spend for groceries. I think I spent $200 for February, and I previously only set aside $100/month for food. A lot more fresh ingredients. Sigh.

So overdue.

2009-02-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

I took a mini-vacation from my site, but I have not fallen off the wagon. Let me sum up:

Thursday: Day 11

Diet - had a few snacks at bible study. 3 Doritos, 2 oreo cookies - put me a bit over the 100 calories for dessert that I was aiming for.

Workout - Pushed myself a little harder on the treadmill, running at 4.5/5.0.

Friday: Day 12

Diet - I relaxed a bit on food since I was out of town. Had a Pepsi with dinner, later night snack of a few nachos with cheese and a strawberry Italian soda.

Workout - Did Friday morning. Rushed a little, but felt good about not skipping since I left town right after work.

Saturday: Day 13

Diet - Pop Tart/OJ for breakfast, turkey blt for lunch with a Coke, Pizza Hut for dinner (free meal of the week)

Workout - off day

Sunday: Day 14

Diet - Pop Tart for breakfast, chicken, sausage and cheese pasta for lunch, left over pasta and turkey blt for dinner

Workout - off day

Monday: Day 15, Week 3

Weigh in - 195

Could be muscle, could be water. I'm trying not to be discouraged, because I'm not sure.

Diet - Immediately felt like going to McDonald's after weighing myself. Resisted. Bought a rosemary garlic chicken instead, had that with collard greens. Took the time to make meatballs for sandwiches for the rest of the week. Though, I'm craving tuna, so I'll probably have that tomorrow, as in Wed.

Workout - My friend Andre/Alexander must be prophetic. I was pretty inert through most of Monday, and I didn't feel like leaving to work out. So I read his comment on my blog and made myself go. It doesn't rank with the best, but I'm glad I went.

Tuesday: Day 16

Diet - The meatballs are a little bland. Sniffle. Had two cravings for breakfast sandwiches that I resisted.

Workout - Ran into my friend Sandra at the gym and she was going to the kickboxing class, so I tagged along. The instructor was awesome, definitely going back, this may be my new cardio for Tuesdays.

Could I get an encouraging cheer?

Day 10

2009-02-18T17:26:00.000-08:00

No volunteering today. :(

Diet: Great. Had the chili from Souper Salad again. To die for.

Workout: I struggled to lift today. I don't know if it's because my body is still weak from yesterday, or the muscles I had to work were underdeveloped. I missed this workout last week, so I can't be sure. I guess we'll see what happens next Wednesday.

One of the other volunteers I help with mentioned that she didn't feel like going to the gym, and she hadn't felt like going the day before (and didn't). I immediately thought, I can't afford to think like that. I enjoy going to the gym now, so I don't have to think about it much.

I've also been thinking about friendship today. I've been trying to build one more than others recently, and the friend doesn't seem to reciprocate the same level of desire. I've just been taking whatever they've been willing to deign me with. I talked with my friend Corri once about a similiar situation to this one, and she mentioned that it was like a dog waiting for his master to finish eating. I was just taking whatever scraps of relationship and connection I could get from the person. As I've been taking better care of myself and treating myself as worthy of more, I refuse to think like this. I am worthy of love and am worth knowing without having to beg for it or just accept what's there because it's all I see. I need to reconnect with the people I know who love me just as I am.

Day 9

2009-02-17T18:23:00.000-08:00

Day 9 was just as fine.

I'm too weak to combat the corniness. An addendum to day 8- It was a struggle to leave the house for an evening meeting, and as a result, I didn't have a dinner to bring with me. I succumbed to the Boloco craving. I still have not had a Coke. I forgot I couldn't do extra time on the treadmill because it was rush hour (30 minute limit) so I changed it up a bit, running at 4.6 for half a lap and 4.4 the other half (4.4 is what I've been running). I'm going to have at least one salad a day until Friday, so I can have a little more freedom when I go to Dartmouth, because the Simms'-Boyd tradition will continue.

Tonight, my dinner happened to be two bags of Cheez-its, a grape juice and an apple juice. I was donating a triple amount of plasma and I usually get a little sleepy, but today I was also a little dizzy and had to sit back down and have another snack to raise my blood sugar level. So I'm full of crackers and not the least bit hungry. **Note: If I've asked you to donate recently, this isn't something you'd have to worry about. Only overweight people are eligible to do a triple, and they ask you when you're new.**

Being able to help more people at once is something that I'll miss when I donate platelets and I'm at the right body weight for my height. But, I will be more healthy and live longer, being able to help more people in myriad more ways than just with plasma. Positives, positives.

End of Week 1/Start of Week 2

2009-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

Weekends where you are in the house all day may be tricky. I'll need to build more structure around my Saturdays. This weekend I cheated a little. I had pecan pie with lowfat ice cream both days, and Saturday I also had two rice krispies treats and two handfuls of popcorn when I went out to a tennis match.

To combat the extra snacking, I rode the stationary bike for 20 minutes after my regular workout. I'm planning on doing an extended cardio workout tomorrow, too.

I weighed myself today and I'm at 192. I'm taking it with a grain of salt because it's a different scale than the one I last weighed myself on about a month ago. I didn't weigh myself at the beginning of last week, so I'm not sure how much of the lost 8 lbs is due to just this past week. Trying not to get too overexcited about it.

::whispers:: yay.

Day 5

2009-02-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

Workout: great

Diet: great

I forgot to put this on the list, but aside from saving enough money to go to two weddings and China next year, a big financial goal is to get out of debt. I have four credit cards and they're pretty much maxed out. Money was a weird thing growing up in my family...to one uncle it was a plaything to hold over the rest of us, and there were some tag-switching and 5 finger discounts in there. I stopped shopping with them as soon as I could. Everything was definitely paycheck to paycheck, but my mom was a single parent with three kids, I know she was doing what she could. All that to say, no money management skillz. And this is where the blame game ends and I take control of my own financial situation. I paid one card off today and paid a big chunk of another card with my tax refund. It is one of the best feelings in the world. :)

Another thing I noted today: I cannot listen to Chris Brown without thinking about what he allegedly did to Rhianna. (He hasn't been charged yet, right? It's still considered alleged?) I have to change my ringtone or think 'domestic abuse' every time someone calls me.

Back to my spa day reward for reaching a goal. See you tomorrow!

Day 4

2009-02-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share a little victory. I had an early meeting and ran out of time this morning, so didn't pack a lunch. My default for this situation is a double quarterpounder with cheese. sometimes, a large, because the fries at McDonald's are salted with crack. So I was understandably nervous. Despite my aversion to salad, I headed toward Souper Salad. Where my favorite meal is a buffalo chicken pita pizza. On to the victory before my mouth starts watering. I chose a small mixed green salad with sprouts, a sprinkle of cheese, carrots and strawberries; a wheat roll with butter, and a small chili. Instead of soda, I had a mango green tea. All which are on the happy food list.

Yay!

Day 3

2009-02-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

Diet day 3, Volunteering session 4

I was a bit bummed that I forgot my Abs Diet book at home today, so I wasn't sure which exercises I was supposed to do. I ended up doing all the ones I could remember from Monday and a few extra machines from the total body workout circuit that my gym has.

It was my first trip to the BSC in Central Square. None of the trainers asked if I needed any help at the Fenway gym that I've belonged to for a YEAR. Harold (trainer I met tonight) saw me looking at a sign and showed me around and answered my questions and wants to hook me up with the complimentary training session you get when you join that I never got to take advantage of because the member services staff at the other gym always seem to disappear.

As for food, I ate mostly recommended foods - I had a mango yogurt which has a ton of sugar as my morning snack. I'm following as closely as I can, but don't want to waste the groceries I had before I started this either. I've already spent my food budget for the month. Also, the taste of turkey may start to grow on me.

Today is my volunteer day as well. If you missed the posts about it, I volunteer once a week at a teen parent shelter in Roxbury. While they learn parenting skills, we watch their toddlers. It was mostly good. I usually end up with a toddler or baby on each leg and another one nearby almost falling out of a walker he is too big for but insists on playing in. This time, the baby laid a spit trail across my chest and farted. A lot. As he was sitting on my lap. It's great that diapers are thick. I get to the shelter early so I'm going to start changing my clothes before volunteering. (I get there right after work.) I've been a little sore from lifting the other day and I thought it would affect how I could play with them, but for that hour and a half, I didn't even think about it.

Day 2

2009-02-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today went much better than yesterday. No headaches, no irritability. I still have a perpetual craving for Boloco, but if I choose I can have it for lunch on Sunday which is my 'free' meal. I'll most likely be eating with friends, though so it's not likely.

A note on 7: Meeting regularly with God. I picked up a book of Puritan prayers at church a couple weeks ago and have been praying through them in the morning this week. I feel a lot less stressed at work and generally more peaceful.

Day 1

2009-02-10T19:11:00.002-08:00

Have I been this hungry recently? If I have, I don't remember. I didn't have any caffeine today and had a headache. I was also irritable and moody in the afternoon because I had a salad. I have never caught on to the 'salad as a meal' business. I was pretty hungry, but realized that should be expected since I was eating a 400 calorie lunch, when many of my past lunches and dinners weighed in at about 1,000-2,000 calories each. My body is living on at least half of the calories it's used to.

The good points:

I'm eating six times a day, 3 meals, 2 snacks and dessert so even with the calorie difference, I do feel full.

I'm drinking water. I had 5 glasses today from an average of 1-2 if any before.

New Year, New Blog

2009-02-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Hi World. Nice to meet you. I want this place to be for all of me - a person with food/weight, finance and relationship issues who loves to write, read, knit, take pics of unsuspecting people, plan parties, sing off-key and most of all, love Jesus and serve people.

I have a number of goals for the year -

1. Say goodbye to debt or most of it.

2. Publish one story.

3. Save money to travel to China and attend two weddings.

4. Therapy.

5. Invest in Relationships.

6. Lose 50 lbs.

7. Meet with God regularly.

A little about 6.

Today I read "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl". It chronicles an Australian woman's weight loss but ultimately, how she found herself and happiness in general. Though I'm not starting at the weight she had (350 lbs.), I am considered obese and would like to go back to a healthy weight. I currently weigh in at 200 lbs, which is the highest I've ever been. I am tired of jokes about looking 6 months pregnant. I am not happy with me. I just upgraded my gym membership to make it easier to get there as much as I would like - 4 days/week. I've also written a letter to my lover, telling him that it's over.

Dear Coke,

This will be my last letter to you. We've had some good times over the years. You are my substitute for alcohol. Other people go to a bar and drink, I head to a convenience store. Even when you burn my throat because I'm so dehydrated, I only drink enough water to soothe the pain and reach for another. I expect there may be slips, but this is the beginning of the end. I need water, I don't need you.

Love,

Tasha